Chapter 5: Be Serious About Play

Let me first start this blog entry by saying that being happy is hard work. I may have said that before, but upon returning from vacation, work got crazy and being happy is truly a job within itself. While I didn't keep up all of the "projects," I'm proud to say that at the very least I have continued to tamper down the morning grunt at my husband and express notable interest during conversations instead of coming up with a snarky retort. Making that effort made me realize how uncomfortable I get recognizing when I do fall into those two bad habits. Boo on me.

This chapter's projects: Find More Fun. Here's one observation I do want to mention about the book's author -- I appreciate the fact that she so eloquently expresses things that I often feel. It's like she put it into print so I could cut and paste it for my own purposes. Rubin first shares that studies have proven that the absence of feeling bad isn’t enough to make you happy; you must strive to find sources of feeling good. One way to feel good is to make time for play. Researchers define "fun" as an activity that’s very satisfying, has no economic significance, doesn’t create social harm, and doesn’t necessarily lead to praise or recognition. Research shows that regularly having fun is a key factor in having a happy life; people who have fun are twenty times as likely to feel happy. But then Rubin said something startling that smacked so true for me: "just because something was fun for someone else didn’t mean it was fun for me—and vice versa. There are many things that other people enjoy that I don’t."

Rubin said she loved the "idea" of playing chess, doing crossword puzzles, or having season tickets to the opera. She understood why other people enjoyed those activities, but those weren't necessarily her ideas of fun. My husband and I have friends who can go out every weeknight to events, cocktail parties, etc. While that idea sounds great and glamorous and we wished that we did have it in us to rally like that every night, the reality is -- we are homebodies. Coming home after a day of work sinking into the sofa and watching our favorite shows with our dog by our feet is our idea of heavenly. We were once given tickets to a performance at the SF Opera from my brother and sister-in-law who were season-ticket holders. I marveled at how cultured they were and gosh, ok, we'll go! Within minutes, we were bored to tears and struggled to stay awake through the first act, but vowed at intermission to try an appreciate this amazing art form. Ten minutes into the show, I look over at my husband and he's fast asleep and I only looked at him because I was dozing off myself! We rudely "pardon me, excuse me" bumbled our way out of our seats and left. Oh, the sense of relief! We stumbled across a restaurant next door called Jardinere and enjoyed the most incredible meal instead. Now, THAT was fun. Turns out the restaurant was owned by the very famous, now celebrity chef, Traci De Jardins.

According to Rubin, studies show that common interests between people boosts the chances of a lasting relationship and also brings about a 2-percent increase in life satisfaction. My husband and I have a lot in common and I marvel at it often. I appreciate that we enjoy many of the same things. So, finding more fun, is not a problem. Sure, we like to be home, but we also are two very competitive people. Not having children was almost incentive to make sure that our life was not held back. This year alone we've done some amazing things -- dog sledding, skeet shooting, and mud races just to name a few.

For Rubin, thinking about what fun meant to her and accepting her likes and dislikes made her also realize that you can DO ANYTHING you want, but you can’t DO EVERYTHING you want...and it made her sad. I've had that moment of realization myself. For me, age had always been just a number and time was infinite. As a teen-ager, my bucket list included sky diving. I have tried to do it twice and both times the weather was not in my favor. As years passed I realized that I may be trying to accomplish this only because I put it on a silly bucket list, but did I actually want to do it anymore? The answer was no. Another epiphany moment was when I was looking at beautiful dining table in a store. All my life I envisioned a dining table similar to that one in my future house. Wait. I do have a house. Wait. I already have a dining room table. Wait. I will never have that dining table because I will never have the house that would actually fit this type of table. Not in this lifetime. It was like someone shook me into reality that age is no longer a number and time is not infinite in a person's lifetime. So what must you do? Enjoy every moment that you do have, be happy with what you do have.

Take Time to Be Silly. A happy atmosphere isn’t created merely by the absence of nagging and yelling but also by jokes, games, and tomfoolery. Studies show that in a phenomenon called “emotional contagion,” we unconsciously catch emotions from other people—whether good moods or bad ones. Taking the time to be silly means that we’re infecting one another with good cheer, and people who enjoy silliness are one third more likely to be happy. The way my brother and I were brought up, there was no silliness, no joking around, no pranks. I think that was to our detriment because I don't take kidding around well, especially if the joke is on me. I think the lack of that in our childhood has made me overly sensitive, I don't recover well when the joke is on me and I tend to over-analyze why the joke was played on me and I actually hate that about myself. I can only hope that my brother makes an effort with his kids to bring the silliness to them. To me, I think being silly is a life-learning lesson. It could potentially teach you to let something roll of your back and not take it personally is a struggle, and also to work on being able to come back with a witty retort, etc.

Most recently, I've noticed that when I am with kids, the silliness comes out. The same goes for my husband. I know parents can be silly with their kids, but I think it surprised me how silly we could get with other people's kids. I've played hide and seek behind baby car seats, I've had water-gun shooting contests and my husband has done his share of play wrestling, video game playing, horsey rides, etc. So the good news is, we've got it in us to be silly.

Go off the path. And this is where the author loses me and the doubt about her to starts to creep in. Rubin says the reasoning for this "off the path" project was meant to push me to encounter the unexpected thoughts, unfamiliar scenes, new people, and unconventional juxtapositions that are key sources of creative energy—and happiness. Instead of always worrying about being efficient, I wanted to spend time on exploration, experimentation, digression, and failed attempts that didn’t always look productive. I get what Rubin is getting at, but I don't get her methodology. Her way of doing this was buying magazines she typically wouldn't and read them cover to cover. She admitted that she dreaded those days and it felt like work but in the end she was glad she did because she learned something new. I hate this example. Why would I waste my time doing something I don't want to do? If I'm interested in something then I'll try it, but I won't do it if there's no interest behind it. And that's what Rubin's effort sounded like. She initially starts off this particular project paragraph about how she admires her mother's adventurous spirit who travels to new places for new experiences. To me, her mother does that because she likes to do that! If traveling falls along the "go off the path" category, then I believe my husband and I succeed regularly. But doing something you aren't interested in doing, like forcing yourself to read a magazine about horses, paper crafts and Christianity, to me was just plain silly. To me, Rubin has her projects switched on this one! Irritating.

Start a collection.You can't be serious. The irritation continues with this project, or also follows under the "silly" project title. A collection provides a mission, a reason to visit new places, the excitement of the chase, a field of expertise (no matter how trivial), and, often, a bond with other people. Rubin decided to collect bluebirds. Then she posed the question to her readers and asked them what they liked to collect. Replies came back with people who collected books, hearts, etc. I could only relate to one reader who wrote: As for collections, too much “stuff” displayed around the house makes me feel suffocated...On the note of collections, I’m sure they’re fun for others, but I simply don’t want to store, clean, and maintain more things. I’d rather spend my time reading, decorating my house, or trying new recipes. Amen to that. If there's a gun to my head, then I will say that I like to collect happy memories through my photos. That's happy clutter. How's that?

Chapter 4: Lighten Up

Having recently gone on vacation, I'm a few chapters behind on the Happiness Project. Sure, I could have brought the book with me, but that just seemed like homework so... I left my homework at home and enjoyed my vacation instead. Upon returning, I delayed my homework and was quick to recognize that all of those things involved in The Happiness Project like; act the way you want to feel, enjoy now, or work smart, promptly got ditched and was replaced with the chores of returning from a vacation - laundry, cleaning the house, buying groceries, catching up on work and emails, and downloading photos. So it's kind of interesting that the first chapter I return to is one that encourages me to lighten up.

This chapter's projects are: Sing in the morning. I don't even sing at karaoke. Of course Rubin's point is not to be taken literally, although singing in the morning works for her, the point I believe is about lightening up even if means singing in the morning to get there. She also mentions something very early on in the chapter that I suffer from. It's called "Fog Happiness." Fog happiness is the kind of happiness you get from activities that, closely examined, don’t really seem to bring much happiness at all — yet somehow they do. Fog surrounds you and transforms the atmosphere, but when you try to examine it, it vanishes. She states throwing a party as a perfect example. The minutia of what it takes to put on a party can cause dread, anxiety, nervousness, annoyance, and irritation, so that when you're in it, it's not fun, but when you step back and think about it, these activities undoubtedly do make you happy. I'd say I suffer from fog happiness regularly. Maybe because part of my job involves event planning. The end results, however, I'm almost always proud of, which makes me happy. So I think singing in the morning, really means enjoying even those details that get you to the end results that way I'm not experiencing the dread, anxiety, stress, etc. but that I make an effort to enjoy the whole process along the way, not just the end result.

Acknowledge the reality of people’s feelings. In other words, don’t deny feelings such as anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance; instead, articulate the feeling and the other person’s point of view. Rubin came up with her own strategy to tackle this project with her children. What's important to remember is that what may be effective to children can also be equally effective for adults so I've gleaned for myself the following -- Studies show that 85 percent of adult messages to children are negative—“no,” “stop,” “don’t”—so it’s worth trying to keep that to a minimum. Studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they’ve been told are difficult as opposed to easy. I loved Rubin's example: “It’s not tough to pull off your socks, just give it a try.” I switched to saying things such as “Socks can be tough to get off. Sometimes it helps to push down the back part over your ankle, instead of pulling on the toe.” Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. This all makes good sense.

Be a treasure house of happy memories. Studies show that recalling happy times helps boost happiness in the present. When people reminisce, they focus on positive memories, with the result that recalling the past amplifies the positive and minimizes the negative. However, because people remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better. Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people—they just don’t recall them as well.

Family traditions make occasions feel special and exciting. They mark the passage of time in a happy way. They provide a sense of anticipation, security, and continuity. Studies show that family traditions support children’s social development and strengthen family cohesiveness. They provide connection and predictability, which people —especially children— crave.

My husband and I love taking photographs on our trips. I take it upon myself to put those photos in an album. One day, he left our room to go get something. He went missing from our room for quite a long time. When he returned and I asked him what took him so long, he said that when he was at our book shelf he pulled one of our old photo albums down and he ended up flipping through it and recalling the good time that we had. It made him happy and it made me happy that the effort to put those at-the-time-burdensome albums together was well worth it.

When we were growing up, my brother and I never enjoyed Christmas. Hearing holiday music would actually cause me to twitch. Christmas was filled with bad childhood memories of forced time with relatives we didn't want to be around, eating really bad, bad food and sometimes knock-down, drag-out fights between our parents. Probably the only time I distinctly remembering singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs with my brother was when our godmother Auntie Nancy initiated the singing in hopes that it would distract us from our parents' yelling. Even at that young age, I knew what Auntie Nancy was trying to do. At some point while growing up, my brother and I vowed that when we were old enough we would make our own holiday memories. Now, Xmas has taken on a better meaning for us. It means good food, good company, and happy memories. I'm still working on enjoying holiday music though.

Chapter 3: Aim Higher

This chapter's projects:

Launch a Blog. Done. Well, not specifically for this project, but I have one. Well, my husband and I have one. Well wait, I am the one that contributes to the blog the most so I guess it's mine.

As much as I've tried to get my husband to post, he really hasn't... even though it was his idea! Thanks to the Happiness Project though, I know that I can't change him, or nag him. See, I'm learning! What the Happiness Project has helped me do is make it OK for me, and just me, to write in this blog. I've always loved writing and I like to think that I'm good at it. I'm opinionated and I love to express it. Writing is a great outlet to do so. So I dump here and not on my husband, how's that? Heck, you should read my Yelp! reviews. Ha. My husband is an amazing writer. He spun amazing love letters, er, emails to me when we were first dating that I still have today, but you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do, right? Right. And so... I write. And I have found a reason to do so again.

Enjoy the Fun of Failure. Rubin says in order to have more success, she needed to be willing to accept more failure, then quoted Robert Browning -- “Ah, but a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” - Robert Browning All I can say is, OK. I'll try.

Ask for Help. See answer above.

Work Smart. See answer above.

Enjoy Now. I couldn't agree more. And it's definitely something I do need to learn how to do better. I truly believe in what Rubin's research found about the "arrival fallacy" - when you anticipate great happiness in arrival and when you arrive it rarely makes you as happy as you anticipate.

Rubin says it's because your arrival brings more work and responsibility, like having a baby, getting a promotion or buying a house. I can site many of those milestones in life that disappointed. My prom, for instance. All that hype and I came away feeling gyped. What happened to that fuzzy, glowy, magical, fairytale-like effect you see on TV? Another poignant moment that was a let down was when I bought my first car. I remember driving it off the lot and I wasn't the least bit elated, I felt incredible burden, fear, and responsibility. What if I got into a car accident as soon as I got on the freeway? I have to make monthly car payments for the next five years? College graduation in real life is also not as it is on TV. Literally no pomp and circumstance AND the announcer pronounced my name wrong. Bitch. kidding.

With such early milestones that have been a letdown in my life, I faced other big lifetime moments with apprehension. My strategy has never to expect too much so you won't be disappointed. That way of thinking is a defense mechanism that applies to not just lifetime milestones, but to every day things like work. I used to be a wedding planner as a side gig. I absolutely loved the end result, which was a happy couple on their special day.They're happy, I'm happy. But since doing events for a living, it's been a burden. As Rubin says in her book, there is too much concern about whether she was getting praise or blame, too much anticipatory anxiety about what people would say -- all those fears spoiled Rubin and also my ability to just enjoy the now. I can think of only one work-related event that I organized that I literally jumped up for joy because it was a success and that was planning Bob Bates' 70th Surprise Birthday Party. Once again, I saw the happy results in the end.

Not ever lifetime milestone in my life failed in its delivery. I was definitely afraid that THE one lifetime milestone that almost every girl dreams about would also not live up to the hype...but it did. My wedding. It was exactly all that. It was the happiest day of my life.

Here's to many more of those moments by enjoying now.

Chapter 2: Remember Love

SHE BLOGGED: This may just be the hardest chapter of projects. Is that bad that I'm saying that already and I'm only on chapter 2?

This chapter's projects are to quit nagging, don't expect praise or appreciation, fight right, no dumping, and give proofs of love.

Rubin says that she learned one critical fact about her happiness project: She couldn't change anyone else. As tempting as it was to try, she couldn't lighten the atmosphere of her marriage by bullying her husband into changing his ways. She could only work on herself.

Rubin loves to quote other people and I actually like to read them. Sometimes it takes someone else to say what you can't put into words.

"It is easy to be heavy: hard to to be light."

"There is no love; only proofs of love."

"What you do every day matters more than what you do once in awhile."

Here's what I know. As far as this chapter's projects were concerned and after reading the chapter, I know that my husband is a better partner than I am in many ways. It's not that I didn't know that, it's just the first time I'm acknowledging it, out loud I guess.

This chapter focused on the fact that you can't change anyone but yourself, but also a reminder to be more observant and appreciative of all the things that your partner does do, not the ones you want him or her to do, but doesn't. And so began the exercise of reflection.

I'm not a morning person, no matter how much sleep I try to get. I wouldn't say my husband is a morning person, but he always greets me with a cheery "good morning" while I in turn manage a grunt back.

Before he leaves somewhere, he always kisses me goodbye. When I leave the house, it's a "see ya!" over my shoulder and I'm out.

When I come home he greets me with a kiss and the first thing that typicallly pops out of my mouth is something like "Did you take out the garbage yet?" He never calls me on it even though he has absolutely every right to. If the tables were turned, I'd lay in on him. And yet he never does. Meanwhile my dog will scamper over to greet me and I immediately drop down to pet her, my voice raises in octave and I coo at her no matter what kind of mood I am in. Yikes. I suck.

So this past weekend, I took on a mantra that hearkens back to chapter one's suggestion of "act the way you want to feel" and it worked. When I would typically point out certain things out to my husband that I thought that he should or could do better, I bit my tongue. Why ruin a good day? I had the foresight to see it might lead to me or him being grumpy afterward.

This was/is tough work, but part of Rubin's commandments is also "letting go." If my husband still doesn't clean up as he cooks like I do, then I need to let it go. It will get done eventually -- and that is OK. That's me letting go and only trying to change myself.

Chapter 1: The Happiness Project

SHE BLOGGED: So what's the Happiness Project book all about? It's about a woman named Gretchen Rubin who decides to dedicate a year to being happier.

Here's me. I'm going to chronicle this reading project and I'm taking you with me (and my husband because he has no choice).

Think of this as the cliff note version of her book. I'll highlight the parts that resonated with me. Let's begin.

Rubin sets about explaining to her husband what she hopes to achieve with the “project,” he initially interprets the news that she's unhappy.

"I am happy -- but I'm not as happy as I should be. I have such a good life, I want to appreciate it more - and live up to it better."

True dat. Ok. I'm with you girl.

Rubin: Contemporary research shows that happy people are more altruistic, more productive, more helpful, more likable, more creative, more resilient, more interested in others, friendlier, and healthier. Happy people make better friends, colleagues, and citizens. I want to be one of those people.

Working on my happiness wouldn't just make me happier; it would boost the happiness of the people around me.

Makes sense, I’m in. So Rubin sets about creating projects for herself for the month of January -- Go to sleep earlier. Exercise better. Toss, restore, organize. Tackle a nagging task. Act more energetic. All seems doable, right?

Go to sleep earlier. This may actually be one of the harder ones for me to do. My body and brain is trained to hit the sack after midnight. Time to untrain…in baby steps, and so far so good. I’ve been in bed before 11 pm for the past two nights, which has allowed me to feel more rested in the morning because I’m actually getting 8 hours of sleep. Unheard of. I still hit the snooze button a couple of times, but I don’t hate life when I get up.

Exercise better. My husband I are pretty active so I don’t envision me changing this too much, but I will say that because I am sleeping earlier and getting up feeling more rested, I feel like I have more energy (I say that now). So in other words, my brain is on faster and it’s taking me less time to gather my thoughts and do my morning chores (figure out what to wear, get dressed, pack lunch, make coffee, feed dog). I’m usually so late that there’s never time to walk the dog. Guess who got a walk this morning?

Toss, restore, organize. Please. If you know me, you know that I don’t need prompting to do this. However, it made me reevaluate rooms and closets that I have tackled before and consider tackling them again. Look out!

Tackle a nagging task. Same thing. Not my style. Because it’s a nagging task, I usually try to get it done as soon as possible. At least I can’t or don't want to think of anything that's been left undone. Perhaps my husband can chime in here. Probably one of the things that I procrastinate on the most is making my dentist appointments. I solved that at my last visit by making the receptionist just book my next cleaning in advance so it’s not left up to me to call them!

Act more energetic. Probably the hardest thing on the project list. To me it means, acting happier. Rubin says, “Act the way I want to feel.” Oy.

I am inclined to believe that Asian people are brought up to be miserable, to not be happy for fear of being disappointed. I can find many other Asian friends of my age who would agree.

Stand by, if there was any project listed that I need working on, this last one is it.

The Happiness Project Book Club

SHE BLOGGED: I've never been in a book club.

I've never been asked to be in one, nor have I had the desire to be in one.

My interpretation of a book club is literally only what I've seen on TV. Oprah's Book Club comes across as typically consisting of feel good books that I have zero interest in. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE to read. It's one of my favorite past times, but my kind of book has storylines of murder, mystery and suspense (and for some reason, and I think because they need to keep the storyline going, it involves serial killers).

When I think book club, I also have visions of the scenes from the movie "Jerry McQuire" with Renee Zellwegger's character and her gossipy friends and family getting all up in her personal business. Ack, spare me.

So when my co-worker sent an email asking anyone interested in joining and creating a book club around the latest book called "The Happiness Project," I had mixed reactions.

I wanted to support my friend Karin, but I hated the idea of spending an extra hour or two after work with co-workers that I already see more than I see my own husband in a day, and yet I am the first to admit I could use a bit more happiness in my life. So I plunked down my $8 on her desk and tried to be, really tried to be, happy about it.

When Karin asked if the book club should meet somewhere other than work like a restaurant, I had to be honest - if I have to drive somewhere else other than home, I would probably continue to just drive home, nor was I excited to meet somewhere that I would have to spend some money to be there even if it's on just a cup of coffee. So it was decided to meet immediately after work at work. Our assignment? To read the first chapter before the day of our first book club meeting.

A Letter from my Congressman

Thank you for contacting me concerning conflicts in the Middle East. I appreciate you taking time to share your views with me.

Like you, I believe our country must engage in an international dialogue with other countries to achieve greater global security and stability, democracy, encourage nonproliferation, and protect human rights.

While there is little public consensus on the best approach, I hope we can agree that despite controversy, we must press on to seek solutions that promote security in the region and strengthen efforts toward a lasting peace. Congress has an oversight role in the conduct of U.S. foreign policy, and we must keep our commitments to the region. Certainly, I will continue to closely monitor the Middle East and will stay involved in Congressional efforts to address situations in any way possible.

Please know that I have consistently supported legislative efforts that seek to foster harmony among countries by working multilateral channels and employing diplomacy to achieve global peace and stability.

If you have a moment, please visit my Web site (http://becerra.house.gov/) and click on "Sign Me Up" if you are interested in receiving periodic e-updates and my e-newsletter, The Becerra Bulletin.

Sincerely,


XAVIER BECERRA
Member of Congress

A Letter to Your Local Congressman

Dear Congressman Xavier Becerra,

Concerned for the safety of my very pregnant friend who lives in Cairo, I asked her how I could help, she replied, "Reach out to your local congressman.” It wasn’t the reply I was expecting. To avoid the possibility of the protests in Egypt escalating into something further, I anticipated helping her book a flight back to the United States, perhaps wiring money over, or even sending a care package if mail delivery would allow. Certainly her request would be the easier of the things to do than what I had envisioned and yet her request gave me pause.

I have never written to my local congressman and yet I do so now, understanding how much more this could mean for her, for me, for her country and for mine.

We are witnessing a revolution in Egypt - The Egyptian people are demanding President Mubarak to step down.

Over a million Egyptians intend to remain in Tahrir Square until the regime accepts their demands for a new and democratic government. The demonstrators have shown to the world that they did not come to destroy, but to build their country.

We must also show our support, but not in millions of dollars in military aid to the Middle East as the U.S. has done in the past; instead, I ask that we do so by sending food, water and supplies. The country is desperately poor, more than 40 percent of Egypt’s 84 million citizens survive on less than two dollars a day and ongoing demonstrations against Mubarak has halted businesses and created household shortages of supplies like bread and rice.

And once Mubarak is removed, our support should again continue not in the way of massive military budgets, but by assisting the Egyptians in this transition. Our assistance to Egypt should reflect our support by guiding them to build democratic institutions. Help them stand on their own two feet, make available our expertise for a more just and accountable government. As quoted by another congressman, "the people of Egypt are fighting for their rights as our nation once fought a revolution to obtain."

Thank you for your time.

Here's to starting 2011 on the right foot with a 1920s poem written by Max Ehrmann. May it inspire, rejuvenate and remind us all to pay it forward.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.