Chapter 4: Lighten Up

Having recently gone on vacation, I'm a few chapters behind on the Happiness Project. Sure, I could have brought the book with me, but that just seemed like homework so... I left my homework at home and enjoyed my vacation instead. Upon returning, I delayed my homework and was quick to recognize that all of those things involved in The Happiness Project like; act the way you want to feel, enjoy now, or work smart, promptly got ditched and was replaced with the chores of returning from a vacation - laundry, cleaning the house, buying groceries, catching up on work and emails, and downloading photos. So it's kind of interesting that the first chapter I return to is one that encourages me to lighten up.

This chapter's projects are: Sing in the morning. I don't even sing at karaoke. Of course Rubin's point is not to be taken literally, although singing in the morning works for her, the point I believe is about lightening up even if means singing in the morning to get there. She also mentions something very early on in the chapter that I suffer from. It's called "Fog Happiness." Fog happiness is the kind of happiness you get from activities that, closely examined, don’t really seem to bring much happiness at all — yet somehow they do. Fog surrounds you and transforms the atmosphere, but when you try to examine it, it vanishes. She states throwing a party as a perfect example. The minutia of what it takes to put on a party can cause dread, anxiety, nervousness, annoyance, and irritation, so that when you're in it, it's not fun, but when you step back and think about it, these activities undoubtedly do make you happy. I'd say I suffer from fog happiness regularly. Maybe because part of my job involves event planning. The end results, however, I'm almost always proud of, which makes me happy. So I think singing in the morning, really means enjoying even those details that get you to the end results that way I'm not experiencing the dread, anxiety, stress, etc. but that I make an effort to enjoy the whole process along the way, not just the end result.

Acknowledge the reality of people’s feelings. In other words, don’t deny feelings such as anger, irritation, fear, or reluctance; instead, articulate the feeling and the other person’s point of view. Rubin came up with her own strategy to tackle this project with her children. What's important to remember is that what may be effective to children can also be equally effective for adults so I've gleaned for myself the following -- Studies show that 85 percent of adult messages to children are negative—“no,” “stop,” “don’t”—so it’s worth trying to keep that to a minimum. Studies show that people tend to persevere longer with problems they’ve been told are difficult as opposed to easy. I loved Rubin's example: “It’s not tough to pull off your socks, just give it a try.” I switched to saying things such as “Socks can be tough to get off. Sometimes it helps to push down the back part over your ankle, instead of pulling on the toe.” Experts say that denying bad feelings intensifies them; acknowledging bad feelings allows good feelings to return. This all makes good sense.

Be a treasure house of happy memories. Studies show that recalling happy times helps boost happiness in the present. When people reminisce, they focus on positive memories, with the result that recalling the past amplifies the positive and minimizes the negative. However, because people remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better. Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people—they just don’t recall them as well.

Family traditions make occasions feel special and exciting. They mark the passage of time in a happy way. They provide a sense of anticipation, security, and continuity. Studies show that family traditions support children’s social development and strengthen family cohesiveness. They provide connection and predictability, which people —especially children— crave.

My husband and I love taking photographs on our trips. I take it upon myself to put those photos in an album. One day, he left our room to go get something. He went missing from our room for quite a long time. When he returned and I asked him what took him so long, he said that when he was at our book shelf he pulled one of our old photo albums down and he ended up flipping through it and recalling the good time that we had. It made him happy and it made me happy that the effort to put those at-the-time-burdensome albums together was well worth it.

When we were growing up, my brother and I never enjoyed Christmas. Hearing holiday music would actually cause me to twitch. Christmas was filled with bad childhood memories of forced time with relatives we didn't want to be around, eating really bad, bad food and sometimes knock-down, drag-out fights between our parents. Probably the only time I distinctly remembering singing Christmas carols at the top of my lungs with my brother was when our godmother Auntie Nancy initiated the singing in hopes that it would distract us from our parents' yelling. Even at that young age, I knew what Auntie Nancy was trying to do. At some point while growing up, my brother and I vowed that when we were old enough we would make our own holiday memories. Now, Xmas has taken on a better meaning for us. It means good food, good company, and happy memories. I'm still working on enjoying holiday music though.